Brutal as a Mother

Brutal as a Mother is exactly what it sounds like.

In this solo episode, Athena talks about the chaos, guilt, humor, and heartbreak that comes with raising daughters while still figuring yourself out at the same time.

From stealing clothes out of her teenager’s closet… to realizing each of her children reflects a different version of who she was when she became their mom this episode dives into motherhood in its rawest form.

Athena opens up about:

• Becoming a mom at 18 during the recession
• Raising daughters with completely different personalities
• Growing up while your kids are growing up
• High-risk pregnancy fears with her youngest daughter
• And the strange, beautiful weight of realizing your children carry pieces of your story

It’s funny, emotional, reflective, and deeply human—the kind of conversation that feels like sitting in the kitchen with someone finally saying the quiet parts out loud.

Because motherhood isn’t always soft.
Sometimes it’s survival mode, grief, pride, exhaustion, healing… and laughing through it anyway.

Transcript

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I am uh guilty of letting my laundry for myself pile up week after week after week. Uh one, I'm guilty of over consuming, so I've got a ton of clothes in my closet, but then when it comes down to two months later and I'm like, okay, now I'm out of all my resources for work, um, I need to go and steal stuff from my 17-year-old. So the other day I I stole a dress and uh a pair a pair of her shoes as well because you know, I wanted to put the whole outfit together and I wore it to work and came home and she met me at the door and she's like, That's my dress. And I was like, Yeah, I needed it for work. She gets mad, she gets frustrated. Then you flash forward to this morning. She comes out of her room, she's wearing her school shirt, her dad's work pants, which are Wrangler cargo pants for tradesmen. Um, and she's wearing her dad's van shoes. And I'm like, those are your dad's clothes. What are you wearing those for? And she goes, Well, he's not gonna use them right now. What do you think? Um, in respect of Mother's Day coming up this weekend, uh, which my oldest did remind me of at dinner on Monday, um, she she it's so funny about um being the oldest, uh the oldest daughter, if you will, she uh started her project of planning Mother's Day at the dinner table as like our food is coming out. We were celebrating um my husband passing his mechanics exam, so I'm very, very proud of him there. But um he and I and and all of us went out to dinner and we're we're sitting there and her and my middle start scheming, and I'm like, what's going on? And my husband looks at me and he goes, Oh, they're they're planning Mother's Day for you. And Eva, my oldest, goes, Dad, you're not supposed to spoil it. I'm like, Well, it's inevitable that it's coming. Um, she's just so funny, and I thought about it, it's been something at the forefront of my mind of like the relationship um or the personality of the child that you have and the order you have them reflects, like to me in my life, anyways, directly reflects the person I was when I had that child. So I figured today I would kind of talk to you about what that looks like for me and in my dynamic. I don't know if that's something you can relate to, but with my oldest being 17, I found out I saw those two pink lines when I was 18 years old. I found out, I think six months after turning 18 months old. So I was, you know, 18 and a half, I guess. I had just graduated high school, um, about two months, and then uh Ava was on the way. And so I was definitely the human I was at 18 years old is vastly different than the person I am now. And those life uh events are definitely gonna come up. That's the whole point of the show, really, is to talk about life events. But regardless, um, with Ava, when she came into my life, like as a as a young adult, had a terrible job. Like I was working at a grocery store. It was like just post-recession. I mean, this was 2008 when I found out I was pregnant with her. And um, the recession was in full swing. Everybody was just, you know, holding on for dear life. And here I come back to my parents, and I'm like, hey, you're gonna be grandparents. So um the news was not the news was not received great, you know. Like, I and being in my parents' shoes now, well, I'm a year out from having that conversation with Ava. I don't anticipate Ava having that. I don't want to put anything out there in the universe because I want her to have her 20s and stuff to kind of build her life. But regardless, um, sitting in my parents' shoes now and reflecting on having that conversation with my 18-year-old, yeah, I think I would have the same reaction to as they did um with somebody um with my daughter telling me that she's gonna have a baby. So um, and with Ava, like everything was um just everything felt very fragile. And it reflects in Ava now. As a baby, she was super, super happy. She's still a super happy kid. Um, but with Ava, she is very cautious. She's she's an anxious kid. She she reads the room very, very um quickly when she comes into it anytime she calls me. She's always like, Are you okay? Are you happy? Are you sad? Talk to me. And um while I'm not thrilled or proud of that particular empathy being a huge part of her her personality, um that that's the person I was when I had her. You know, I just was somebody who didn't have a lot of faith in themselves. I was definitely somebody still figuring it out and a huge people pleaser, and that shows very, very strongly in Ava. Um, but what I am very proud of Ava for is that Ava is so kind. And Ava's story is um Ava's story is fun, but uh has its dark moments as well. Um, and with Ava, she's uh she is such a caring human being, but if you reject her care, she gets really frustrated. Um, and so with Ava, she's just um she's such a light. Uh and thinking about like I a couple of times on my phone I'll have memories pop up of her being a baby or her being in her, you know, uh early tweens, or no, she's uh we're we're getting ready to figure out what we're gonna do if we're gonna do college or trade school or what she wants to do. She's she's got um six different cards that she wants to play, and I'm like, you can only you can only act on one, my love. So you have to figure out which pathway you want to go. But uh the thing that I'm proud of is her ambition. I know that she she got that from both her mom and and her dad. Um she is so ambitious. Um but with Ava, she is very quirky and she's very clumsy, and um she's she's just not fully self-aware, and that part always makes all of us chuckle. Um, anybody who's met Ava, they they know that Ava is Ava, that's just Ava, you know. So um, but then I do also reflect on the fact that Ava was a a single child for seven years, and when we told her that we were going to bring Kailani into the mix, uh, she was excited at first, like while Kailani is brewing and stuff like that, and and all the things, and then when Kailani gets here, um the shift was oh, I'm not I'm not the only kid anymore, and mom and dad's attention are pulled in a different d direction. I mean, we have a brand new baby, so and she's seven, so she can kind of be a little bit more independent. Um, but at 26, having Kai and that phase of my life too, um, my husband and I were in more stable positions for we we had been married for six years at that point, and we were in more stable jobs, and my life was a lot more put together. It wasn't fantastic, but it was a lot more put together than having a baby at 18. And that shows very fiercely in Kai. Kai is a strongly independent, she knows what she wants. You're not gonna push her around. Um, girl, she is very, very proud of the fact that she's strong, and she's very proud of the fact that she speaks her mind. And that dynamic is fun to me because uh, you know, you see a lot of the memes on the interwebs, and they say, Oh, you know, if there's a child that could take over a small country, why is it your second? And that fits Kai. She she loves to shoot, she loves to run with the boys. I notice that when we go to school, she has her girlfriends, but she's more got her guy friends and she's hanging tough with them, and she's not afraid to put on a dress, but she's also not afraid to go and like put on boots and get in the dirt, so that's my Kai. And she's um, she is honestly so emotionally intelligent too, and I don't know how I got lucky with her for that, um, because it wasn't until just a few years after she was born, I'd say probably like 2019, 2020, that I started actually like tapping into my own emotional intelligence. But watching Kai, like she puts things together so quickly, and she she's um just she's just like a forward thinker, and I guess that is still reflective of who I was when I had her, but um she's I don't know, she's just she's funny as hell too. She is so witty and she's so clever with her words. I just I enjoy, I mean, I enjoy all my children. I just enjoy each of them so so differently. If I want to go and sit and have a cup of coffee and chat with um somebody and just like have them listen to me or whatever. I can do that with both, but I do that more with Ava because that's her scene. But if I want to go and ride side by sides or go out in the desert and shoot or something, I bring Kai with me. So um, and then you fast forward after I had Kai, I was done. Like we wanted to have one of each and then be done with it, and um, I never got my boy, and that's okay. Um, but Kai came into my office when uh she was four, and she comes in and she looks at me and she goes, Mom, when you have my brother, uh, will you make him a witch? And I was like, I don't think that boys are like categorized as witches to be I and I'm I'm like, I'm I mean, I'm just going off of like Harry Potter and like Bewitched and stuff like that, but I don't think they're categorized. I think they're called warlocks or wizards. And she goes, Okay, well, whatever. Like when you do have my brother, like can you just make sure that he's like as magical as I am? And I was like, Well, I'm not having any more kids. So I was like, It's just you and your sister. And she looks me dead in the eye and she goes, Okay, so when you have my brother, make sure he's as magical as I am. And she walks out of the room very confidently, and that just I was like, Oh, does she know something I don't know? Like, because you know how sometimes kids they say that kids have like this ability to feel presence, or sometimes kids have had like experiences with past relatives or whatever. I'm like, does she know something that I don't know? So then it got me thinking, and I texted my husband, and I was like, we need to talk when you get home. And of course that sends him into a panic. He's like, is everything okay? And I'm like, yes, everything's fine. I just have something that I would like to talk to you about. I've made up my mind, but I just need you to go along with it because you're part of the plan. And so he came home and we're sitting there, and I tell him what Kai told me, and he looks at me, he's like, Well, I've always wanted more kids, so I'm down. Like, if you if you want to have more kids, let's let's do it. So at that point, too, it was kind of the best time because we were about to move out of our place and our lease was up, and so I was like, Well, we need a bigger place anyways, and everything kind of fell into our laps to expand the family, so we moved into a bigger house, and then Tolly was um Tolly was the most planned out of all of my children. Uh Ava was a surprise. Um, and Tegan, we knew that we wanted to have a baby, but Tolly, on the other hand, uh, I told my husband, Baba, I said, um, I want to have another baby. And obviously we agreed to it, and then I went to the doctor like the following week and uh went off, you know, all uh what is that, contraception? I went all of that, and um then ordered a shit ton of uh what what is those um ovulation tests and pregnancy tests and all of it, and we were in such a different place in our lives by that point. I mean, this is now 14 years after the fact of having our first, and we we I was just like, I know exactly what I'm doing, I know what to expect, I know how this is gonna affect me, and the one thing that I was worried about was the weight gain, but that's a different episode. Um, and then let's see, six months later, on my husband and I's uh let's see, I was 13-year anniversary. I found out I was pregnant with Tolly. And um I was with a close friend of mine. Uh, we went out for celebrating International Women's Day, and that night I was feeling really sick, and I took a test in the morning and I found out I was pregnant with Tolly. And so Talia, she when I got pregnant with her, we had this new technology called an NIPT test. And the NIPT test is supposed to tell you what the gender of your baby is. I think a lot of people do that for like early screening of Down syndrome and other problems in the pregnancy, but also to find out if you're having a girl or a boy. And for me, my test wasn't releasing, and I was getting nervous because I'm like, why is my test not releasing? They said it should be done in like three days, and it's now been it was a week at that point that I had been waiting, and the doctor called me and they said, um, Tully actually has an 80% positive chance of having something called Turner syndrome. And I didn't know what that was, but also they just said the baby has Turner's, and I was like, so is this a boy or a girl? And not knowing anything about Turner's, and Turner's is only um viable in female um embryos, and so uh they told me that we're having a girl, obviously, and I'm like, oh, uh Aves and Kai are gonna be devastated because they were like, we're having a brother, we're so excited, and then we turn out we're having a girl. But the bigger part of that was that turners, they I started doing all this research, and the thing about Turners is that a lot of your babies don't make it past the first trimester. And at that point, I was sitting right at the first trimester, and so we were then deemed a high-risk pregnancy, and that entire journey, anybody who's been through a high-risk pregnancy had to carry out a high-risk pregnancy, like my hat's off to you because it puts on such stress. And my family was calling me and saying, This is a healthy baby, we don't need to worry about this, like it's it's fine, she's gonna be fine. Um, but it was just like every day was like a miracle in a sense to to carry her and when I'm getting a little emotional thinking about it, sorry. When thinking about like all the scans we did, when we made it to 32 weeks, she was three pounds per the ultrasound. And I know the ultrasounds, I've I've had friends whose babies were saying they're 10 pounds, they came out eight pounds, but like seeing the measurements and stuff like that, and being told week after week, okay, she's three, three and a half pounds, and we're getting closer and closer and closer to her due date. And I'm like, oh my gosh, she's so tiny. We had a plan for her to be put into the NICU as soon as she was born, and it was just like so so so scary, and it was so like it was just a surreal experience, I guess. And so the night that uh I got induced with Tolly, um her Tolly coming into the world was honestly like um, I don't know, it was almost like we just experienced so many things that night. It was so weird. Uh we so my husband and I we dropped the girls off with my in-laws, um, and then him and I we went back to the place we used to go to when we dated. We there's like a park, and we used to park there and just sit and talk after he'd picked me up from work. So we almost had like a drive down memory lane, but and then we went for a walk. It's like nine, ten o'clock at night, because I can't get in until midnight to go get induced. And um like a car uh starts to like a car like uh runs into the desert. There's like a big desert area behind our house, and like a random car just like speeds down this drive-thru and driveway, I should say, and just like runs into the desert. And it was just like so weird. And then we go into the the um hospital, and the emergency room is full of people, and all these things are happening, and it just like everything in my mind was taking inventory of every single step of that day because I was like, we're getting closer and closer and closer to bringing this tiny human into the the world, and I don't know what's gonna happen. And um, when I got to uh my room or whatnot, um it started storming, and with both Kai and Tolly, who are my strongest of my babies, um it rained for both of them. And I just what was interesting is uh Tolly is the only child that I have that did not get to meet my grandparents. So after the rain cleared, we looked out and there's this vibrant double arc rainbow outside my my room. And I was like, they're here. And then probably three hours later, Tully was brought into the world, and she was so tiny. She was so tiny. She was six pounds, but I mean that's that's a healthy weight for having a baby, but just looking at her, and when she opened her eyes and looked at me, she had these amazing bright blue cobalt eyes. And it was like it was just like relief, I guess, to be able to make it through the whole pregnancy and knowing that we had this diagnosis. Um and then I found out more about the NIPT test is uh when I took it anyways, I'm sure a couple years now later it's improved. But at the time when I took it, the NIPT test was giving a lot of false positives for very rare diseases. Um, I wouldn't say Turner's is super rare. I know that it's um up there, it's in the gray area. Um, but it definitely can tell you if you have Down syndrome or if you're carrying a child with Down syndrome, I should say. Like that part has been vetted, but all the others that come with it, it's not completely vetted. So um, you know, having kind of that weight on my shoulders while I carried Tully. That came through very, very strongly with Tolly. Tolly has uh RBF, she does not talk to people. She is my spitfire, and she keeps us on our toes. And if I thought that Kai knew what she wanted, I would be lying if I didn't tell you that Tolly is ten times like a stronger personality than Kai is, and um if it's just me or Bubba in the car or the girls, she'll talk, she yells at people, but anybody else outside of that circle, she's not talking to you, she's just giving you a look. And she is just I enjoy her. She she challenges me every single day, but I enjoy her so much. She is my little ride or die. She has been on my hips since the moment she took her first breath. I mean, obviously she was on my chest when she took her first breath, but she's been a Velcro baby, and I wouldn't have it any other way, to be honest with you. This knowing that this is my last baby that I'm going to experience um has been uh just challenging, rewarding, all the feelings, but um I think like as we close in on Mother's Day, I what I want to highlight is that these um your story as a as a mother, or if you are on the the pathway of becoming a mother, all of the stories that you collect along the way I think go into that human being that you create. And I also think that it's not highlighted enough for the the women who adopt or foster. I think that that is beautiful but challenging, and I I hope that all the moms give themselves some grace this coming weekend. Um cheers to spilt orange juice in bed if you get breakfast in bed, or if you're the one buying yourself a gift because you deserve it, yes you do. Um I hope that everybody has a fantastically safe, amazing weekend. And I also hope that even in the moments when it's really, really hard and you're questioning your life choices, that you have a very quick flip-of-the-coin moment where you hear the giggles or you have a core memory made. Happy Mother's Day weekend, and I'll see you guys next week. If you've made it this far, go ahead and give us a follow on uh your preferred platforms. I'm on TikTok at the.jaded.dame on that's TikTok, and then on Instagram I'm at jaded dame podcast, or you can follow me individually at Athena Monima on Instagram. Also, um, don't forget to rate us on your preferred podcast platform and give us a follow. See you next week.